I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
