happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
