just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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