Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
