Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
