She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
