i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
