Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
