i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
