I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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