I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
