college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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