Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
