Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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