Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
