I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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