I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
