mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
