fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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