watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
