is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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