Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
