Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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