I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
