she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
