i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
