Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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