I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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