You're my little dorito
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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