I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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