Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
