Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
