his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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