I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
