??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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