thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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