I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
