Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
