I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
