in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
