What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
