Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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