So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
