Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
