she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
