There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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