I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
