And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
