OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
