you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
