I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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